Friday, January 29, 2010

Thought I would share a few laughs...

My husband has been sending me emails left and right today... well he sends so many that I don't normally read them all completely through, but today's batch have me busting my gut! Hope you guys enjoy some of my husbands sense of humor!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from
work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law
exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law
explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,"
she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of
me"

The mother-in-law left. When she got
home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her
husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered
sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for
dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Candy with Little Holes
 
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometime call  your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SLOW DAY IN TEXAS

    It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....
 
    On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick  one to spend the night.
 
      As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the
bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
 
      The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to
retire his debt to the pig farmer.
 
       The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his
bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
       The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to
pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing
hard times and  has had to offer her "services" on credit.
        The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room
bill with the hotel owner.
           
       The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the
counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
 
      At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks
up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory,
pockets the money, and leaves town.
 
       No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
 
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
 
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government
is conducting business today. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.



160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.




There are 85 million in school.





Which leaves 55 million to do the work.




Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government..




Leaving 20 million to do the work.





2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.




Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.





At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.




That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.



And there you are,



Sitting on your butt,



At your computer.

Nice.
Real nice.

5 comments:

Cecile said...

OMgosh, lmbo!!! Thanks for the laugh hon! Glad to see you! Hope all is well!

Amy C said...

I love your husband's sense of humor! I needed those laughs today! Thanks, Heather!



Oh my God! They're Assholes! Still LMAO!!!

Armenia said...

Ah Gawd, hysterically funny!!!! I usually lurk, but I had to tell you this time I really enjoyed this one!!!!

I'm hijacking these jokes, BTW, and sending them to my DH. *grins*

Heather D said...

Thanks Ladies, Im glad y'all are enjoying them!

Armenia--hijack away, like I said he sent them to me in emails.

Martha Lawson said...

Oh yeah, I'm hijacking them also..They are just too funny not to pass on!! Thanksfor the laugh..

 
Blog Design Created By Barbara Using V. Karolyi's A Little Like Summer